Insomnia and cancer: Why I struggled to sleep post-treatment

Insomnia and cancer: losing sleep post-treatment 

After I finished my main treatment and returned to normal life, I struggled with insomnia. I ended up in a spiral of late nights, where I would often stay up until seven in the morning or skip a night’s sleep entirely. Even before my diagnosis, I never liked going to sleep, but I always had something to go to bed for, like getting up early for sixth form. I was able to prioritise the next day, but once I got cancer, I was haunted by the feeling that my treatment would fail and that any day could be my last. Staying awake for as long as I possibly could made me feel like I was somehow beating death, by gaining extra hours in the day.  

Once I was cancer-free, I really struggled to reconcile the doctors telling me that I could go back to normal life with the deep-seated feeling that I could die any day. I knew that relapse was a possibility, so I still felt like I needed to stay awake for as long as possible. I began to dread going to bed and instead stayed up watching television and playing video games. It was fun and made me feel better in the moment, but the primary goal was just to avoid sleeping.  

Often, I would stay awake until past dawn. Because I was staying up so late, it became harder and harder to wake up at a reasonable time and do anything useful with my day. This began to feed into my insecurities that cancer had ruined my life. Eventually, I started to realise that my sleep pattern was affecting everything.  

The late nights that had been a coping mechanism during my treatment had become a prison that was stopping me from moving on. I began to see that even though my physical health had improved, mentally I was still on red alert, feeling that I had to lengthen the day because it might be my last.  

Once I accepted that I cannot live in fear of relapse, it became easier to get into a bedtime routine and I was able to stick to it. Because I allowed myself to believe I had a future, I started to care about getting good sleep again, and rest without worrying about what would happen to me. It was important for me to realise that, while I still want to appreciate and enjoy each day, the stakes are no longer so high that I have to desperately cling onto the day at all costs. 

Emily’s top tips for life after cancer treatment  

1 - You’ve been through a lot and deserve all the emotional, practical and financial support you can get, so it doesn’t hurt to call one of the cancer charity helplines, who can tell you what you are entitled to while you are recovering after treatment.  

2 - Even though it’s often from a good place, after cancer your parent(s), guardian, or wider family may be over-protective. Remember that it’s ok to ask for some space to rebuild your independence if that’s what you want.  

3 - Everybody’s journey is different. There is no ‘normal’, so do what is best for you and try not to compare yourself to others who are finishing treatment at the same time.